'If you're a small room phone-using...

'If you're a small room phone-using, goose liver-eating, cigarette- smoking, fast food-loving body Chicago might not be your kind of town." -- The Associated Pres

Other than recent York, I can't think of a major U metropolis with as many city council members as Chicago.

The earnestly larger Apple has 51 city council members. Philadelphia has 17 Houston has 14 observes Angeles has 17.

Chicago, of course, has 50 fit to a 1906 resolution that says we should have as many alderman as there are players upon the rosters of the Chicago childs and Chicago White Sox.

(Note to Chicago historians: I know. I was kidding.)

The main reason we have 50 aldermen is to continue the city's unemployment rate down, and to maintain a certain crazy-ass entertainment factor. If you have barely a dozen or so members, they might behave with customary sense. You get 50 politicians in a big swing with cushy chairs, microphones and various agendas -- you're going to have one crazy-ass stuff.

RESOLVED: YOU dowdys ARE KINDA NUTS

Lately the City Council has been upon a truly nutty roll. They're passing legislation that has tribe in Turkmenistan shaking their heads and saying, "Oh those poor the community in Chicago, they're really losing their freedoms!"

Ald. Edward bury (14th) is leading the charge to have the City Council invade our lives in a way that would have High Chancellor Adam Sutler seething with hate

Last week, suffocate introduced an ordinance that would ban smoking inside vehicles when small children are in the vehicles. Violators would be fined $100

A not many QUESTIONS:

1 What exactly constitutes a "small" child? Is it OK to exhalation in the car if your passenger is a tall 8-year-old, moreover not OK to smoke near a short 12-year-old? (Burke says the cutoff should be children in a less degree than 8. Why would it abruptly be all right to mere phrases near a kid who casts 8?)

2 Are we going to paint signs in succession the sides of SUVs that say, "If your child is this height or smaller, you can't light up"?

3 in what way are we going to enforce this law? Are the same cop who have to check drivers for hands-on lonely dwelling phone usage now expected to do visual checks forward every car to make fully convinced the adult isn't puffing away while a child watches "Finding Nemo" upon the headrest DVD?

4 Does this hale like something out of the "Colbert Report" or what?

Meanwhile, suffocate has modified his crusade against trans fats. He's now restricting it to restaurants avowed by companies that have at least $20 million in gros sales. I gues that means it's OK to burden your arteries at upscale, non-chain restaurants -- on the contrary you're losing that option at the local KFC

Fortunately, we're still a tailor's smoothing iron liver-free metropolis. The foie gras ban remains in effect!

At least our dogs won't be microchipped -- at least not for a while. Last week the City Council delayed a suffrage on a proposal to require all dogs to have microchips implanted in their neck for identification plans should they wander off.

I say we attempt it out on the aldermen first to papal court how well it works.

place IT TO A VOTE!

As busy as the City Council has been lately, there are still a number of moot points that need to be addressed. My proposals:

1 A "dirty look" ordinance. Chicago prides itself forward being the friendliest of big cities, notwithstanding when you say "How ya doin'?" to a certain quantity of folks, they scowl in respond I say make it a $75 fine to give anyone a dirty turn the thoughts in public.

2 No-red belts Even as a Sox fan, I've had it with the legions of St Louisans who dres in r from head to toe and swarm into town each time there's a Cubs/Cardinals series. Police should be allowed to issue tickets to anyone wearing more than common red item of clothing forward Michigan Avenue during summer.

3 Use your enclosed space you get tossed in a lonely dwelling Anyone talking loudly on a solitary abode; squalid phone in a restaurant or store should be arrested immediately and thrown in jail for 24 hours without bail. Barring that, security guards should be allowed to Taser anyone violating this law. Just a little zap to the lower back.

4 Anti-macho laws. Any stay trying to break up a double play on barrelling into second in a co- recreational softball league should be banned from playing for single in kind year. Any guy who's not Brian Urlacher and has a "barbed wire" tattoo forward his biceps must have it remov immediately. Any scarecrow who brags about his "equipment" in the men's stead of any sports or concordance arena or nightclub has to leave the city.

5 A hot-weather ordinance. There should be an automatic $50 fine for anyone who enrolls an air-conditioned building on a 100-degree days and announces to everyone that it's touchy outside. We know.

Got any suggestions for other wacky laws we should impose on the books?

be moved free to share.

rroeper@suntimes.com

e-mail: rroeper@suntimes.com

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