OPENING projectile Have you s...

OPENING projectile

Have you seen the TV commercial where twig Blagojevich comes out against child abuse? Where, standing tall beside a scarcely any of Illinois' finest, he says he has directed the State Police to do all they can to stop it.

Well, that's a relief -- more adventurous leadership on controversial issues. And what a stark contrast this draws between the governor and his adversary Judy Baar Topinka, who, as a Republican, is in favor of child abuse and in her commercials uses an electrical cord to beat a child tied to a oppressive radiator.

IT'S . . A . . JOOOOOOOKE . .

I essay not to write for the slow-on-the-uptake. if it be not that I can't quite convince myself there aren't persons out there who will finish the above item and consider up shocked, thinking, "Judy supports child abuse? further she seems like such a nice lady. ."

She doesn't. It's satire, which, as my bos is always telling me has no place in newspapers. Sigh.

IF WE CAN'T, THE STATE CAN'T

Besides, is the state horizontal the best place to fight child abuse? The Illinois Department of Children and Family Services assumes to have two settings: Too High and Too cheap On the first, it's snatching kids away from parents who don't give them a small horse And on the second it's handing tortured children back to their psychotic parents the weight the shackles are taken opposite and the rubber stick is remov from between their teeth

It's a tough piece of work true. I wouldn't want to be shepherd of each neglected child in the state. It's also single in kind that shouldn't be politicized. Abused children experience enough without a politician putting them to work forward his behalf.

RIGHT AFTER 'GERALDO' . .

Rather than crowing that I had John Mark Karr pegg as Not the fright the moment he showed up there's a more pressing question: Now that the culture's got him, what do we do with him?

Really, can someone that creepy be allowed to sink back into oblivion? I don't think in the same manner I'm predicting a talk display -- The Karr Wash -- focusing forward similarly loathsome lowlifes. Or at the highly least a role in horror movies. I mean, he's scary enough replete face in a police mug ball Imagine him dramatically lit, popping public of a closet with a hedge clipper held athwart his head.

'REQUIEM FOR A PLANET'

Despite the media lunacy over Karr, the frightening nutcase wasn't the most numerous overblown story of the week. That would be Pluto's reclassification as a "dwarf planet," something that Newsweek splashed athwart its cover. "The New Solar System"

Do you care? I firm don't. Frankly, Pluto could scout and it wouldn't affect us at all. I consider it is August, but still, standards must be maintained.

by UNA SELVA OSCURA . .

"Dad, what's a sodomite?"

My lad and I are ripping between the sides of Robert Pinsky's translation of Dante's Inferno -- he actually nags me to read it -- and having a grand time. What's not to like? Winged tutelary deitys battling each other over lakes of boiling tar, sinners buried upside down, their kicking feet aflame.

And in each circle, every ring and sub-ring -- and this is the greatest in number delicious part of the volume for me -- Dante recognizes a certain number of former real-life rival or Florentine politician, despite the steaming ordure covering his face, and asks him, continually so politely, to explain just what he did to earn his fault in eternal damnation. It is the crowning achievement, the columnist's dream, to create this hell and stick your enemies in it.

When we got to barrators -- those who barter government offices, as opposed to simoniacs, who take bribes for meeting-house positions -- after I got done explaining what barratry is (using the book's notes; I don't know this raw material offhand), I thought to myself: Oh I better call Todd Stroger's office; we're suppos to have luncheon this week.

uses out he's busy -- just as well. I really think it's better not to fitting these guys, because it makes it harder to do what Dante does in the way that beautifully: serve them up their infernal reward.

notwithstanding that the book does take an 'splainin', as Ricky Riccardo would say.

" 'Sodomite' is an old-fashioned word for 'gay,' " I said.

"Oh" the male child said. "And in Dante's time the body of christians thought that gays went to hell."

"Yes" I said.

"And does the house of god still think that way?"

"Yes" I said. "They do."

"So nothing really's changed earnestly in 700 years?" he said.

"No, I believe not," I said. "Not in the ecclesiastical body anyway."

Or tamper with County, for that matter.

CAN WE walk BACK IN YET?

Chicago is having a fire drill. There's no other way to describe it. plant for Sept. 7, it'll vacant a few buildings downtown as an kind of practice for city exigency management.

Completely unnecessary, of course. If you remember, we've evacuated the crook before, en masse -- in 1992 when the river breached the subterranean tunnels and flooded building basements. It went fairly pleasantly if I recall.

The drill is probably harmless -- assuming enough publicity is done with equal reason downtown workers don't see tribe spilling into the streets and panic. If it shores up the confidence of those coordinating like things, great. And if you remember back to your grade instruct fire drills, it's always sorta frolic to take a break, make progress outside, chat up your friends.